When I was little I felt constantly like I could do anything. All things where possible as long as I did not doubt myself or the possibility of doing what I wanted to. I want that back, I need that back. Especially since I feel unable to get what I want, conversely I’m not allowing myself to want due to not feeling able get it.
Some background is in order, I’ve never allowed myself to be less than I can be but when the going got tuff I step back before failing. This was how I got by… walking into grade 8 I really was king of the world even though I was now friendless and had no idea what I wanted to do.
So instead of stepping up, taking the pain, rolling with the punches I walked away, hid in the corner and hid from the world. It’s easier to submit than fight, but only if you throw apathy in the mix.
I built a haven of safety around myself a fort you might say to protect me.
My fort of indifference is cracking. The cornerstone of my safe place is shifting, the cracks running at an angle through the whole setup is beginning to show.
As with poorly or hastily erected houses that have been patched fixed and maintained beyond all sanity, my fort is falling apart and I do not want it to stay up.
As I’m going through this though the pain, shame, fear and programmed apathetic response gets too much some times and I start putting it back together realising I was not really breaking it but carefully taking it apart. As the song Blood Sweat & Tears - Spinning wheel suggests talking about problems do not help if you get back on a painted wooden horse that only goes round and round. I’m not sure if this is what David Clayton-Thomas ment but this is what I’m taking out of it.
This programmed returning to the source of negativity, unhappiness or any other perceived problems I will from now on be referring to as the “riding the masochistic merry-go-round”.
As this renewal of my life is still in the embryotic stage so i wont say much more about it.
The catharsis I want is not happening so time to step up. The time for wallowing has come to an end. The way I’m doing this is to change my life situation.
I’m moving house, changing routine, shifting perceptions taking the pain as it comes and trying even though failure may be inevitable.
So now I’m on a pilgrimage, a walkabout, a journey to find the little adventurer that has gotten lost in the mess of what I’ve been told all my life. I’m part of the TV generation and I’m breaking the chains.
I’m Not a hero, I’m Not a Rockstar, I’m Not famous.
As the quote from fightclub says I’m not happy. But there is no evil to fight just the cancer I'm still supporting in my own life.
I do have friends, I do think, I feel and I can make others feel.
Consumerist no more, imagination, ideas, stories, emotions and experiences.
Achieving a life filled with the real, this is my goal.
Achieving it in our more and more consumer driven lives is the hardest thing I can presume to achieve.
1.”self-respecting reforming nihilist” - “Karen Carr describes Nietzsche's characterization of nihilism "as a condition of tension, as a disproportion between what we want to value (or need) and how the world appears to operate.”
2.“...we've been all raised by television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars, but we won't and we're slowly learning that fact, and we're very, very pissed off...”