Thursday, April 26, 2012

personal catharsis

When I was little I felt constantly like I could do anything. All things where possible as long as I did not doubt myself or the possibility of doing what I wanted to. I want that back, I need that back. Especially since I feel unable to get what I want, conversely I’m not allowing myself to want due to not feeling able get it.

Some background is in order, I’ve never allowed myself to be less than I can be but when the going got tuff I step back before failing. This was how I got by… walking into grade 8 I really was king of the world even though I was now friendless and had no idea what I wanted to do.
So instead of stepping up, taking the pain, rolling with the punches I walked away, hid in the corner and hid from the world. It’s easier to submit than fight, but only if you throw apathy in the mix.

I built a haven of safety around myself a fort you might say to protect me.
My fort of indifference is cracking. The cornerstone of my safe place is shifting, the cracks running at an angle through the whole setup is beginning to show.
As with poorly or hastily erected houses that have been patched fixed and maintained beyond all sanity, my fort is falling apart and I do not want it to stay up.

So I do what any self-respecting reforming nihilist[1] would do. I’m taking a sledgehammer to the thing so that I can find some meaning.
As I’m going through this though the pain, shame, fear and programmed apathetic response gets too much some times and I start putting it back together realising I was not really breaking it but carefully taking it apart. As the song Blood Sweat & Tears - Spinning wheel suggests talking about problems do not help if you get back on a painted wooden horse that only goes round and round. I’m not sure if this is what David Clayton-Thomas ment but this is what I’m taking out of it.
This programmed returning to the source of negativity, unhappiness or any other perceived problems I will from now on be referring to as the “riding the masochistic merry-go-round”.

As this renewal of my life is still in the embryotic stage so i wont say much more about it.

The catharsis I want is not happening so time to step up. The time for wallowing has come to an end. The way I’m doing this is to change my life situation.
I’m moving house, changing routine, shifting perceptions taking the pain as it comes and trying even though failure may be inevitable.

So now I’m on a pilgrimage, a walkabout, a journey to find the little adventurer that has gotten lost in the mess of what I’ve been told all my life. I’m part of the TV generation and I’m breaking the chains.

I’m Not a hero, I’m Not a Rockstar, I’m Not famous.
As the quote from fightclub says[2] I’m not happy. But there is no evil to fight just the cancer I'm still supporting in my own life.

I do have friends, I do think, I feel and I can make others feel.
Consumerist no more, imagination, ideas, stories, emotions and experiences.
Achieving a life filled with the real, this is my goal.
Achieving it in our more and more consumer driven lives is the hardest thing I can presume to achieve.

1.”self-respecting reforming nihilist” - “Karen Carr describes Nietzsche's characterization of nihilism "as a condition of tension, as a disproportion between what we want to value (or need) and how the world appears to operate.”

2.“...we've been all raised by television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars, but we won't and we're slowly learning that fact, and we're very, very pissed off...”

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

long time.... no post...

here is something beautiful to keep you occupied:

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

St Patty's Day!

Happy St Patrick's Day everyone!


Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Imagine life without pain.... Hard pressed? It is the sour to your sweet lemonade. It is gravity to flight.

It is the measurement to which my life is measured...

Here follows an uninformed or confirmed view of pain:

Most of my pre-pubescent life I have felt detached from the world... Not knowing what or how to feel, feeling too much or too little... I never felt 'normal'. Little did I know that it was normal to feel this way, normality being relative and all.

I needed conformation... I needed proof of my existence and the only way I found the world 'pushing back' was through pain... Emotional pain, physical pain, spiritual pain I found it all to be the 'yardstick' for my life...

Do something stupid chances are you will get hurt... How much it hurts tells you how stupid you have been and has a direct effect on whether you will do it again. It forms part of the core thought process... What you do with it is what counts....

Pain is also pleasure... In my experience the lightest brush and the hardest slap are received in the exact same way by the brain. All of it is pain and the body reacts to it sometimes without us even knowing, always introducing endorphins and thanking you for giving it stimulus. This i think is the main reason I can call myself an adrenaline junky.

Relating to pleasure the brain interprets the pain in a different way and more endorphins are released, this does not last forever though. Ever try keep doing what you found pleasurable for an extended period of time... Your body stops releasing endorphins the sensation intensifies and like a wave the pain starts.

This pain is your body's way of protecting itself. It happens naturally and in reading and understanding pain 'listening' to your body you can really 'own' your body. Feeling your relation to the life you are living. In yoga we learn to listen to the body more deeply... Body awareness... This awareness allows me to really live in my body and 'experience' (pain) life in a deeply or more subtle way.

Go feel be in the moment and you will begin to understand how I relate to life and feel like I’m still alive for that matter.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Why worry when happyness takes a little action....

and no i didn't just tell you to go out and kill someone... just know no problem has no solution.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Hehe... bad perceptions...

sometimes how you react can change the perception of what just happened...

laugh it off...

Thursday, September 10, 2009


What is Perception? Is it the fuel of the wicked, the power of the strong, the shield for the meek or the open flank of the righteous?

Here follows an uninformed or confirmed view of perception:

When thinking of perception I always like the analogy I got from my father of the earth being round. I was just coming of age and starting to think extra introspectively, and as was the way with me and my father, sharing my thoughts so as to know that my mind was working right.

We had just finished a really thought provoking movie and where talking about the thought progress of the protagonist when I asked the question. "but why did he fall for such an obvious trap?"... Most of my questions stared with but why at this age. His answer was to do with what knowledge the character had. Not totally getting my father's point I pressed the matter and he told me this simple analogy... Nearly fracturing my mind...

Before it was proven that the world is was round do you think that it wasn't? There was no proof there was no belief, except that the world was flat. If you go and don't come back then an acceptable reasoning was that they fell off the side of the earth... If they came back they didn't go far enough. The truth of the matter is if no one knew better the world was in actual fact flat (before the first theory)...
After the fact it changes… the first spark of an idea is like the act of creation in man’s mind.

This is important to understand. For it pertains to everything and anything... Religion, science and love, if you believe it to be true it must be... When your perception of the entity/object/person changes then the truth of your existence changes. Thus reality slips splits and changes...

Perception is everywhere and plays a part in our everyday life... how? I hear the masses calling... We’ll try walking into a pharmacy and buy lubrication making sure to ask if it is hypoallergenic... Or donning a metal shirt and walking into a bible store... Everyone's perception changes all the time it's not worth putting too much weight in it.

But as a warning my friend, do not let the truth be clouded by perception. If you want to be seen as something or someone do not allow there to be any doubt about what you want people to perceive... Hiding something makes it more perceivable.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Me and mine....

Soon very soon i'll be adding some profound wisdom here...

till then...

Go read my friends blog: